Shopping Sabotage

A friend of mine who lived with her boyfriend often complained of his Shopping Sabotage.  Her man was the stay-at-home-on-the-sofa-watching-Fox-News-24/7 type while she was active in work, volunteering, exercising and teaching dance.  He hated shopping  of any shape or form and was happy to let her take care of every minute detail of their lives from the moment she moved in.  This was fine during the week when he was distracted by work, but on the weekend when she had errands to run, he really became annoying.

"Tim, I'm going to the mall to look for pants.  Want to come?"  She asked.

"Nope", he replied, engrossed in his program.

"Ok.  I'm going to stop at the grocery store on my way home.  Do you need anything?"

"Nope."

"You said you were making pot roast for dinner.  Do you need anything for that?"

"Nope."

She went on her way.  Just as she reached the mall, she started receiving calls.

"When are you coming home?"

"What do you mean?  I just got here!"

"I'm bored."

"Bored!  You didn't want to do anything today, remember?  You just wanted to stay home."

"You could've stayed home."

"And do what?  Watch you watch TV?"

"You could sit with me."

"Good bye, Timothy."

A little while later, she received another call.

"Don't freak out, but there's something wrong with the cat."

"What do you mean, something wrong?"

"He's choking."

"It's probably just a hairball."

"No, I mean it.  He's really choking."

"Then pick him up and take him to the vet!  It's two minutes from the house!"

"Oh, you're right.  It's just a hairball."

Not fifteen minutes went by and she got another call.

"What!"

"I just called to say I love you."

"Yeah, right.  What do you want?"

"I mean it."

"What is your problem?  Do you really want me to come home?  You never phone me this much during the week!"

"No, go on with your shopping."

She hung up and continued her perusing.  Twenty minutes later…

"Where's the salt?"

"Are you for real?"

"You moved it," he insisted.

"What are you talking about?  When I moved in, you wouldn't let me move anything in the kitchen, remember?"

"You're such a liar.  I can't find it.  You know you moved it."  He accused.

"Seriously, you need professional help.  It's right where it always has been for ten years."

"Oh, here it is, next to the baking powder."

"Exactly where it always has been."

"No," he argued.  "It wasn't always there.  I keep it on the shelf below that."

"Timothy, the salt is where it has always been before God created the Earth.  Get on with your life."  She hung up the phone.  She finished at the mall and started to head to the grocery store when she got a call.

"Can you pick up some onions?"

"You said you didn't need anything."

"I thought we had some."

"Ok, anything else?"

"No, that's it."

"All right.  Bye."

She arrived at the grocery store and began shopping.  Surprise, surprise:  her phone rang.

"Yes?"

"We need cumin."

"Cumin?  We have cumin."

"No, we're out."

"I'm telling you, there is a new bottle of cumin in the spice rack.  Just look."

"I have looked.  There is none."

"Well, look again."

There was a momentary pause.  "No, we don't have any."

"I'm not buying more cumin just because you can't read."

"I can read," he huffed indignantly.  "You're the one who doesn't know what they're talking about.  And I'm telling you, we don't…oh.  Uh, here it is."

She hung up the phone.  Two minutes later…

"Can you get some baby carrots, beef broth and a pot roast?"

"What?  Are you kidding me?"  She shrieked.  "You said you had gotten everything for dinner already!"

"You see, I try to do something nice and make dinner and you turn into a bitch!"

"That's because you don't have a brain cell working!  When I ask if you have everything you need for a dinner you had already planned and you reply "YES", that means you've already shopped for it!"

"Are you going to get it or not?"

"Fine."  She hung up.

Five minutes later.

"I feel like mashed potatoes."

She hung up and moved out a couple of months later.