tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39232189356777668642024-03-05T08:42:26.037-05:00Oh no he didn't!Does the man in your life ever laughingly point out your "blonde moments", whether you have fair hair or not? If so, here's the antithesis: real life stories lovingly told about the men we care about who thoughtfully turn into five year olds just for our caretaking benefit. One of my BFF's calls it "Big Dumb Guy Moments". I call it "Baby Bird Syndrome."Lindie Luhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14552507776976085841noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3923218935677766864.post-70194527235892614452011-11-16T19:20:00.001-05:002011-11-20T18:51:16.676-05:00Shopping Sabotage: New Mama Drama<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOJZuZyBjAzugS5kBeijDPr3pOxMb1_Zry-_87363QBPHdDJRkjd9TUtltm_EV85Ym5U9ANdFKrstcPt_Tbr4IxQar2TGasqRcsOB2Vh5jzS_iu1E6BM2BYZYnx9JFFwsvryK0lhZU5sU/s1600/diaper.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOJZuZyBjAzugS5kBeijDPr3pOxMb1_Zry-_87363QBPHdDJRkjd9TUtltm_EV85Ym5U9ANdFKrstcPt_Tbr4IxQar2TGasqRcsOB2Vh5jzS_iu1E6BM2BYZYnx9JFFwsvryK0lhZU5sU/s200/diaper.JPG" width="198" /></a></div><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">A new mother left her infant son home for the first time with his father while she went grocery shopping.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While in the middle of the freezer section, she heard a page.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Tanya<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Benwicki, please come to the customer service desk for a telephone call."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Horrific images filled her mind as she raced to the front of the store.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"I'm Tanya Benwicki," she breathed heavily.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"You have a phone call for me?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The cashier behind the counter smiled at her amusedly. "Indeed we do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can take it right here."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">She grabbed the phone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Hello?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"You need to come home right now!"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her husband exclaimed.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">" Jay?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What's happened?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Why didn't you answer your cell phone?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The baby pooped and threw up all over me!"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"What?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She exclaimed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The cashiers behind the counter began to giggle as she felt heat rise to her face.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"You heard me! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I've been calling and calling and there's no answer."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"That's because there's no reception here in the store."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"So come home now!"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"You want me to stop what I'm doing to change a diaper? "<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She hissed through gritted teeth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>" I suppose you want a sponge bath also?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"You need to get home now and take care of this baby!" </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Jay, you are a grown man perfectly capable of changing a diaper and cleaning yourself up."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"But<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'm covered in it!"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"I'm not your mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Deal with it!"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She slammed the phone down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Sorry about that," she mumbled.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Don't worry honey," said the cashier.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"He provided us with today's entertainment."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Tanya went in search of her abandoned shopping cart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After she checked out and loaded her groceries into her car, she noticed several messages on her cell phone, many from her husband and one from her mother-in-law.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She deleted the ones from her husband and listened to her MIL's.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Tanya, call me," she giggled.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Tanya rolled her eyes and dialed her number.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Hey Sandy, it's me."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Raucous laughter filled the air.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Hey honey, did Jay get a hold of you?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"He had me paged at the grocery store because there's no reception inside!"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Ha ha ha!"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sandy gasped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Yeah, real funny," Tanya groused.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"I take it he called you, too?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Yup, I told him to step up and be a man."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Well, you raised him."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Maybe, but you married him!"</span>Lindie Luhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14552507776976085841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3923218935677766864.post-58324124270567601972011-11-11T14:08:00.000-05:002011-11-11T14:08:21.922-05:00No, I'm the man!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7EdrXA0JZVI8GFp2d1PhfHyvLEFTUEwSf_RoUo196QKqs4nBvkYjFa5K5ly4IKnxwX-VETqAO1KC3l1Op5z-w_9fHKclSlbpMXDe6-rt_gTEdMI1XO2wzew254kzLbsYZgvCKeQv5Bo8/s1600/tree.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7EdrXA0JZVI8GFp2d1PhfHyvLEFTUEwSf_RoUo196QKqs4nBvkYjFa5K5ly4IKnxwX-VETqAO1KC3l1Op5z-w_9fHKclSlbpMXDe6-rt_gTEdMI1XO2wzew254kzLbsYZgvCKeQv5Bo8/s320/tree.JPG" width="248" /></a></div><span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">A friend of mine had been after her live-in boyfriend to help her with cutting back some trees and hauling them to the curb for bulk pickup.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He finally agreed and, when the allotted weekend loomed,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>he conveniently hurt his back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He limped around and moaned and felt all kinds of sorry for himself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She persevered and cut the trees herself but was unable to haul them to the curb.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He generously told her to leave them there until he was better. One of her older guy friends came over to have her remove staples from his dog (it’d had surgery and she was a vet), so she asked <i>him</i> to help her drag the trees. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All of a sudden, her man made a miraculous recovery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He walked out perfectly sound, hauled the trees up, cut them to pieces and even managed to throw them on top of the already tall pile of limbs.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Her male friend quietly said to her, “There’s nothing that will make a man heal quicker than the threat of another man doing his job”. <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #1f497d; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">She concluded, "I suppose that makes this a combo dumb <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and</i> wise man story. Too bad I’m dating the dumb one!</span></span>Lindie Luhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14552507776976085841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3923218935677766864.post-38531747360677524122011-11-10T09:09:00.000-05:002011-11-10T09:09:13.132-05:00Refrigerator Stories: Baby Bird Syndrome Revisited<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVlTbXdICkKeZTlsotksCKBTZrfu5Dt9c9zt3c0c-PRwrYVcov7ZZVlESWD9Y3qycjYCyn6Uus9EVdh6iGGrdGB-96jLxkQTN3nAGxFRU6perKAo_-gGnR23D0o4bK146SVNTGaDFaR48/s1600/baby+bird.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="161" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVlTbXdICkKeZTlsotksCKBTZrfu5Dt9c9zt3c0c-PRwrYVcov7ZZVlESWD9Y3qycjYCyn6Uus9EVdh6iGGrdGB-96jLxkQTN3nAGxFRU6perKAo_-gGnR23D0o4bK146SVNTGaDFaR48/s200/baby+bird.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I came home around ten at night, utterly spent after a long four-day conference.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I collapsed onto the sofa next to my husband and was barely able to tell him the news about an exciting business possibility when he interrupted. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"That's great.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do we have any ice cream?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I was stunned into a brief silence which then erupted into an exhaustion-fueled rage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Really, baby bird?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I that much of a trigger for you that the moment I walk in the door you want some food?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seriously?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">He looked at me in awe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"I just thought that you would know if we had any."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"You've been alone for four days and you're asking <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">me</i> if we have any ice cream?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have you not looked in the freezer since I've been gone?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Never mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'll get it myself."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I went to bed.</span>Lindie Luhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14552507776976085841noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3923218935677766864.post-69341936279995445432011-11-09T05:56:00.000-05:002011-11-09T05:56:48.157-05:00You broke the car!<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 1em 0in 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilEaFfwxxuKUkTOOViD4thrgOAyRpapFGRX_vBK6WDVrnWZSBTJX8XWEmaZPmYa3VKyFaFryE_tFnNiSwBOA45C3BGFhD3sjUMnwIdxnwBRTZaEixajUkQS5h_mI-vr2XZR94371RnyWM/s1600/car+trouble.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilEaFfwxxuKUkTOOViD4thrgOAyRpapFGRX_vBK6WDVrnWZSBTJX8XWEmaZPmYa3VKyFaFryE_tFnNiSwBOA45C3BGFhD3sjUMnwIdxnwBRTZaEixajUkQS5h_mI-vr2XZR94371RnyWM/s1600/car+trouble.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 1em 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My sister and her family rented a cottage at the beach for a couple of weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One morning, she decided to go to the store for an early donut run but found the car would not start.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She immediately informed her husband, not a mechanic by trade, of the difficulty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He poked,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>prodded and tried incessantly to start the car but to no avail.</span></div><span style="font-family: Calibri;">"You broke the car!" He accused as he glowered at her from the driver's seat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"I drove it last night and it was fine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What did you do?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now, my sister is not exactly what I would call a car person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is a self-proclaimed fashionista, gets her nails done regularly and tries her utmost not to pump her own gas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She studied her fuming husband for a moment, crossed her arms and leaned on the open car window.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Well, now that you ask."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She said, her eyes narrowing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"I pulled out the spark plugs, disconnected the battery cables and, oh yes…poured sugar down the tank."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">He gaped at her in astonishment.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"What the hell do you think I did, you idiot?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tried to start the damned thing!"</span>Lindie Luhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14552507776976085841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3923218935677766864.post-89306621073977844892011-11-08T06:16:00.002-05:002011-11-20T18:52:06.562-05:00Shopping Sabotage<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRRiE-ThWm5Y-PHkhX_wQsb_h7mdke6-FecVOXk3ING9Xv7bRYZI0Ubc-Lt-rzS15iV61f8zUpTPMUiv_dTyt6Ysj2MAWKNRgDvbMVLeKXtMGZ6AethWWzV1eNiB09sG0Yq12d-bYYQYM/s1600/shopping" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRRiE-ThWm5Y-PHkhX_wQsb_h7mdke6-FecVOXk3ING9Xv7bRYZI0Ubc-Lt-rzS15iV61f8zUpTPMUiv_dTyt6Ysj2MAWKNRgDvbMVLeKXtMGZ6AethWWzV1eNiB09sG0Yq12d-bYYQYM/s200/shopping" width="200" /></a><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">A friend of mine who lived with her boyfriend often complained of his <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Shopping Sabotage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>Her man was the stay-at-home-on-the-sofa-watching-Fox-News-24/7 type while she was active in work, volunteering, exercising and teaching dance. He hated shopping<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>of any shape or form and was happy to let her take care of every minute detail of their lives from the moment she moved in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was fine during the week when he was distracted by work, but on the weekend when she had errands to run, he really became annoying.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Tim, I'm going to the mall to look for pants.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Want to come?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She asked.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Nope", he replied, engrossed in his program.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Ok.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'm going to stop at the grocery store on my way home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you need anything?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Nope."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"You said you were making pot roast for dinner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you need anything for that?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Nope."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">She went on her way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just as she reached the mall, she started receiving calls.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"When are you coming home?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"What do you mean? I just got here!"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"I'm bored."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Bored! You didn't want to do anything today, remember?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You just wanted to stay home."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You</i> could've stayed home."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"And do what?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Watch you watch TV?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"You could sit with me."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Good bye, Timothy."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">A little while later, she received another call.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Don't freak out, but there's something wrong with the cat."<br />
<br />
"What do you mean, something wrong?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"He's choking."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"It's probably just a hairball."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"No, I mean it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He's really choking."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Then pick him up and take him to the vet!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's two minutes from the house!"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Oh, you're right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's just a hairball."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Not fifteen minutes went by and she got another call.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"What!"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"I just called to say I love you."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Yeah, right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What do you want?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"I mean it."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"What is your problem?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you really want me to come home?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You never phone me this much during the week!"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"No, go on with your shopping."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">She hung up and continued her perusing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Twenty minutes later…</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Where's the salt?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Are you for real?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"You moved it," he insisted.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"What are you talking about?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I moved in, you wouldn't let me move anything in the kitchen, remember?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"You're such a liar. I can't find it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know you moved it."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He accused.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Seriously, you need professional help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's right where it always has been for ten years."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Oh, here it is, next to the baking powder."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Exactly where it always has been."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"No," he argued.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"It wasn't always there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I keep it on the shelf below that."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Timothy, the salt is where it has always been before God created the Earth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Get on with your life."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She hung up the phone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She finished at the mall and started to head to the grocery store when she got a call.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Can you pick up some onions?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"You said you didn't need anything."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"I thought we had some."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Ok, anything else?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"No, that's it."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"All right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bye."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">She arrived at the grocery store and began shopping.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Surprise, surprise: her phone rang.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Yes?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"We need cumin."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Cumin?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have cumin."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"No, we're out."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"I'm telling you, there is a new bottle of cumin in the spice rack.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just look."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"I have looked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is none."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Well, look again."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">There was a momentary pause.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"No, we don't have any."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"I'm not buying more cumin just because you can't read."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"I can read," he huffed indignantly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"You're the one who doesn't know what they're talking about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I'm telling you, we don't…oh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Uh, here it is."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">She hung up the phone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two minutes later…</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Can you get some baby carrots, beef broth and a pot roast?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"What?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Are you kidding me</i>?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She shrieked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"You said you had gotten everything for dinner already!"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"You see, I try to do something nice and make dinner and you turn into a bitch!"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"That's because you don't have a brain cell working!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I ask if you have everything you need for a dinner you had already planned and you reply "YES", that means you've already shopped for it!"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Are you going to get it or not?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Fine."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She hung up.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Five minutes later.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"I feel like mashed potatoes."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">She hung up and moved out a couple of months later.</span>Lindie Luhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14552507776976085841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3923218935677766864.post-66230080182439382662011-11-07T11:16:00.000-05:002011-11-07T11:16:25.024-05:00Refrigerator Stories: Got Milk?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBouRyM2sN6epRba2w6mq28XaBzAEzPTgdbcEwKgRrEu3kQLSeTs65AjeZRD2zWQG78OLSDpTj0mzRw8vk8YZciXvB2iFX3sg5N8SevcECwaZceK6ffTboce0Wt01d9yzW6sbtWLVjSVw/s1600/milk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBouRyM2sN6epRba2w6mq28XaBzAEzPTgdbcEwKgRrEu3kQLSeTs65AjeZRD2zWQG78OLSDpTj0mzRw8vk8YZciXvB2iFX3sg5N8SevcECwaZceK6ffTboce0Wt01d9yzW6sbtWLVjSVw/s1600/milk.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">A recently retired friend of mine met her husband when they were in high school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Honey," she said to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Don't expect it to ever change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My husband still can't find his way around the refrigerator after forty five years."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"What do you mean?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I asked.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 1em 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">"He'll open the refrigerator door and ask, 'Where's the milk?', and I tell him that it's right in front of him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He'll say 'I can't find it.' so I tell him I guess we don't have any.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He'll then reply 'It's right here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why did you say we don't have any?' and I'll say why did you ask where it is in the first place?"</span></div><span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Trust me," she sighed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"It will never change."</span>Lindie Luhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14552507776976085841noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3923218935677766864.post-55050791561277187302011-11-05T11:28:00.000-04:002011-11-05T11:28:21.434-04:00A Really Dumb Guy Story<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgM9QX3VodNeTwkgTUI9Vcq6Z_iXwjrybYu1zSHFveAd-zhtTNkq_HKgZey1IUiwQTiSx2FDD92KEetzjjcAZKTjoIsvGa66DRymW_mtqvVgOm-qgYwxZpGko6Z1NurCryx2JWfaZsYT4U/s1600/telephone.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgM9QX3VodNeTwkgTUI9Vcq6Z_iXwjrybYu1zSHFveAd-zhtTNkq_HKgZey1IUiwQTiSx2FDD92KEetzjjcAZKTjoIsvGa66DRymW_mtqvVgOm-qgYwxZpGko6Z1NurCryx2JWfaZsYT4U/s200/telephone.JPG" width="133" /></a></div><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This is actually not A Big Dumb Guy Story, but A Really Dumb Guy Story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A girlfriend of mine was dating a very hot hockey player who, it turned out, was as dumb as a bag of rocks (her description, not mine).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One day at her apartment, he spotted her old telephone that she kept strictly for land line use.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was one of those old corded varieties, the kind that was small and flat and hung itself up when placed face down on the table.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He looked at it, picked it up and examined it carefully.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"It's a telephone," she explained.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"I don't get it," he said as he picked it up, listened to the dial tone and then placed it back on the table.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He repeated this sequence several times.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"What's not to get?" She asked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"It's plugged into the wall and it hangs up when placed on a flat surface."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">His brain couldn't fathom the technology because he kept repeating his investigation until she felt like ripping out her hair.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"It's a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">telephone</i>!"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She yelled.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Later on, they were watching a political rally on television.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When a new interviewee was introduced, the person's name, city and state would be shown on the screen under their image.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"What is that?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He asked.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"What is what?" She said.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">IL</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It says <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">IL</i>."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Illinois</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They're from Chicago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Illinois</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Chicago is in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Illinois</i>."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The look of perplexity on his face almost gave her a stroke.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"What about that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">IN</i>."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He asked.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Indiana</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you not know how states are abbreviated?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Hot or not, she quickly dumped him.</span>Lindie Luhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14552507776976085841noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3923218935677766864.post-40685146007161569432011-11-04T10:51:00.000-04:002011-11-04T10:51:00.719-04:00Refrigerator Stories: Delayed Reaction<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMbxW-ogsTKh2TN4V4SRPu4IX6gIpuE73r727Rumwf_4MoGhmqTxIPgoDqHWsJoR0BY2sMc1BBo0LyN7F9KmetBoLaKEsyjt10Vb_mYZsrIszG0UNIsTQOzQhsbKDwvsl6l3DeZnM_Ahw/s1600/ice+cream.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMbxW-ogsTKh2TN4V4SRPu4IX6gIpuE73r727Rumwf_4MoGhmqTxIPgoDqHWsJoR0BY2sMc1BBo0LyN7F9KmetBoLaKEsyjt10Vb_mYZsrIszG0UNIsTQOzQhsbKDwvsl6l3DeZnM_Ahw/s1600/ice+cream.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> I was working in the office off of the kitchen when I heard my husband walk from the family room to the refrigerator.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He opened the freezer door and perused for a good thirty seconds before returning to the sofa in the family room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Approximately twenty minutes went by before I heard him call out.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 1em 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Do we have any ice cream?"</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 1em 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Every muscle in my body immediately seized.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Why are you asking me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I swear you just had your face stuck in the freezer not fifteen minutes ago."</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 1em 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">"I didn't see any."</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 1em 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">"What do you call fudgesicles, Weight Watcher raspberry pops and Snickers ice cream bars?"</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 1em 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">"I thought maybe you had some <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">real</i> ice cream in the garage freezer."</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 1em 0in 10pt;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Just shoot me.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 1em 0in 10pt;"><br />
</div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 1em 0in 10pt;"><br />
</div>Lindie Luhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14552507776976085841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3923218935677766864.post-52023370505677048312011-11-03T06:37:00.000-04:002011-11-03T06:37:00.187-04:00Refrigerator Stories: The Mystery of the Black Grapes<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKoYsrl9ykXXbg57T96vWa8lrT4VdjiGYZ7D0BRkgCABCr-fKl4Fx_SkyjwTiPtTMhgxSf6QuV6oBPMzhrfsXXi0G16U46JABsQ5j4Pco12fVUTOhFk4kwq5PeY5MHvHRYB9ALVXw0_Ak/s1600/grapes.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKoYsrl9ykXXbg57T96vWa8lrT4VdjiGYZ7D0BRkgCABCr-fKl4Fx_SkyjwTiPtTMhgxSf6QuV6oBPMzhrfsXXi0G16U46JABsQ5j4Pco12fVUTOhFk4kwq5PeY5MHvHRYB9ALVXw0_Ak/s200/grapes.JPG" width="132" /></a></div><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My husband lay sprawled on the couch watching some sports program while I played on the computer in the office next door.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Do we have any fruit?" He called out.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Yes."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I replied.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Where is it?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"In the fridge."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I heard him get up,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>walk across to the kitchen and open the fridge.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Where?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"In the fruit drawer."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Which one is that?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"There are only two drawers."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Oh."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I heard the sound of drawers being pulled open while he investigated the possibilities.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"What is this?'</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I could only imagine what foreign object held his attention:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>oranges, apples or grapes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"What is what?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"This."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said, holding a bag of grapes for my perusal.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Those are called grapes."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I explained patiently.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"No, they're <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">black</i>."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"So?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"I mean, why are they black?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I hesitated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Because they are…black…grapes."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"I've never seen black grapes before."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I stared at him in disbelief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"You ate them in the chicken salad yesterday!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you not remember that?"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Oh, uh, well…I just don't remember them being black."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I returned my attention to the computer.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Are they seedless?"</span><br />
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Sigh…<o:p></o:p></span></i>Lindie Luhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14552507776976085841noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3923218935677766864.post-71994769636756057562011-11-02T10:59:00.000-04:002011-11-02T10:59:29.535-04:00Shampoo, anyone?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieUR0BLUyFRgTAX7-wS8-KJyNNGed1HV1W7vp8hhfehziwulbjI2CJP3V-9lqsFs821Ml5VwdUmaR6fv7fd4nMyXz1GTUO5HU2Bk_x2mHM7gNNl-bUxhodTlIN4CzzG7Rz2kLDS0NUcRs/s1600/shower.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieUR0BLUyFRgTAX7-wS8-KJyNNGed1HV1W7vp8hhfehziwulbjI2CJP3V-9lqsFs821Ml5VwdUmaR6fv7fd4nMyXz1GTUO5HU2Bk_x2mHM7gNNl-bUxhodTlIN4CzzG7Rz2kLDS0NUcRs/s200/shower.jpg" width="166" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div>I walked into our master bath one morning to change a roll of toilet paper that had inexplicably used itself up and forgot to replace itself. My husband was taking a shower (which I swear is his usual custom) and heard me rustling around.<br />
<br />
"Which one of these is shampoo?" He asked loudly above the steam and pummeling torrents.<br />
<br />
<em>Seriously? </em> I thought to myself. <em>Did he really just hand me one that is this easy? "</em>The one that says S<em>HAMPOO</em>." I answered. <br />
<br />
There was no response. How could there be?Lindie Luhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14552507776976085841noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3923218935677766864.post-6209906897001790312011-11-01T14:50:00.000-04:002011-11-02T10:42:00.149-04:00Forked up<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyzPmVMKgaIKaR8BzNjGCyzK1a7xY6YMEeD0eDfS-MZK8wo5H2h4KzCyfSpD0ztJXxLg68irPG7019nSfsrTXYayd4a_46BTiBC1dhRIXxmBv8GEAle60QfUMPqYiKUjdI_HM5j1u4AWc/s1600/fork.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyzPmVMKgaIKaR8BzNjGCyzK1a7xY6YMEeD0eDfS-MZK8wo5H2h4KzCyfSpD0ztJXxLg68irPG7019nSfsrTXYayd4a_46BTiBC1dhRIXxmBv8GEAle60QfUMPqYiKUjdI_HM5j1u4AWc/s320/fork.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>I walked into the kitchen and found my husband with his hand reaching out to open the silverware drawer. He spotted me, stopped what he was doing and asked, "Do we have forks?"<br />
<br />
<em>This is a prime example of what I call "Baby Bird Syndrome." A perfectly capable man turns into a toddler when a woman is around</em>.<br />
<br />
"No," I replied. "We do not."<br />
<br />
He rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean."<br />
<br />
"No, I'm sorry. We do not have forks. Never did. Never will." I said as I continued through to the family room.<br />
<br />
He grabbed the handle, selected <span id="goog_1465844418"></span><span id="goog_1465844419"></span>a fork and shut the drawer in a huff.Lindie Luhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14552507776976085841noreply@blogger.com1